Thinking Things Through Before Making Decisions
Q: Hi, I am not sure what to do. I have been separated from my husband for 6 years. The first 18 months was true separation I hardly saw except for birthdays and X-mas. After that he had a heart attack and called my number and I and our daughter took care of him. Then for the past 3 and half year we see each other 2-3 times per week. He has been stand offish but has asked to get back together. He says to sell my unit and move in with him. I am reluctant because I am losing my job sand I fear that if I sell my place the money will be spend and then if he wants to end the relationship I will have not much $$$. I do want to get back together and I still care for him but I am not sure if I will be happy with him as I can't stand his "coldness." What do you think I need to do before I can make up my mind? Thank you. --Anonymous
A: Relationships can become quite complex. And our emotions can further complicate them. This is not a simple question to answer. You will have to weigh the consequences of each choice. And it is imperative to do this with the rational mind. Quite often we get into trouble by only focusing on our immediate situation without considering the future outcomes of those choices.
The only thing I can advise you to do is to explore certain beliefs and dynamics you have about yourself and this relationship before coming to a decision. Here are some areas you might begin with:
the reasons you separated initially and what that shift would mean for you
your beliefs about being a caregiver and taking care of others (Is this a high need?)
what it would mean to totally lose him
how much impact will this have on your daughter and your respective relationships
your need for security, self-reliance, and having your own space
your fears about meeting someone new; being single?
are things he says in alignment with his behaviors
how much money do you really need to survive, to be comfortable, to be rich
what will it really mean if getting back together works out--what will you lose in the process
what if it doesn't work out--what are your backup/alternative plans
who are YOU when you are with him--and do you like that you?
who are YOU without him-- and do you like that you?
Your answers to the above questions will be a good place to start. Working with an unbiased friend or a professional may also help.
-Oz
