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Ask Oz your questions
on personal and professional change and transformation, as well as
questions about Hypnosis, NLP, & EFT, and we will present them here
along with Oz's responses.
To ask your question
click here!
Allow Myself to be in Love Again
Q: I am recently single. I have been single now for about 10 months. Before that I was in 3 different very long relationship. The last one ended very badly. I broke up with my ex because he had a gambling problem amongst many other. He verbally abused me soon after the break up for months. It was a scene. I am a very confident 26 year old women and have enjoyed being single for the first time in 8 years. I have dated quite regularly over the last 10 months. I've meet some wonderful guys, but after a few weeks I feel like I am just not into them.
I am currently seeing someone who is perfect, but I feel at times I want to change him. (Silly things- Clothes, mannerism) Also I when these guys come on to strong I push them all away. Could me not allowing love into my life somehow relate to my past relationship? Am I all out of love. And why do I feel the need to change the guys I'm with? I want to allow myself to be in love again because this guy is really great and I don't want to ruin it again. How can I fix this? --Anonymous
A: Can you imagine showing a computer mouse to someone a hundred years ago? What would they think about it? They might use it as weapon or may try to use it as a doorstop. But they would never consider to use it as we use it. Why? Because our reference points are completely different from theirs.
Now what might be of interest to you is discovering which reference point you are comparing against when you think about changing this guy. And I bet you already know the answer to that question. So what I am really wondering is what all are you missing about the guy you are with now?
I'll give you an idea of how it can work and the way you do it may be a bit different. One way is you hallucinate some other guy, and this imaginary guy is always next to the real guy in your life. They have to be next to each other so you can constantly compare and tweak the real guy to match the image of the hallucinated guy. And one day you hope that the real guy will become identical to the hallucinated guy and then he can step into the hallucinated guy's shoes and bring him to life and into your life for real. But all that means a lot of work for you and it's all for a feeling that you think the hallucinated guy will create within you.
So your two simplest options are to get rid of the feeling all together or attach the feeling to the real guy "as is". Being in love with an illusion or an idea will always lead to disappointment when compared with reality. The ups and downs of life is what makes it real. We evolve as a result of the challenges we overcome. Every relationship is an opportunity to learn about another person, human behavior, relationship dynamics, and most importantly yourself. So in the meantime, enjoy the ride!
-Oz
The answer to "
Allow Myself to be in Love Again
"
posted by Ayaz @
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
0 comments
Too Fat to be Important
Q: I'm fat a little so my friends don't consider me so much important person! What shall I do? Please tell me! (sorry for not good English because I can't speak it very very well) Thank you. --Anonymous
A: Friends may come and go, however you are stuck with you forever. So you might as well get along with yourself. And that's why it really doesn't matter how important your friends consider you, instead what's more important is how important you consider your self? Important enough to be concerned about this? Important enough to ask this question?
The more you value yourself, the more others will value you. The other thing to remember is that probably all your friends are thinking the same way about themselves. Remember everyone's main focus is their own self. So repeat Richard Carlson's mantra to yourself: "Don't sweat the small stuff; and it's all small stuff."
-Oz
The answer to "
Too Fat to be Important
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Grip on Anxiety
Q: Why is it that I cannot get a grip of my anxiety when I drive in open spaces, or go up hills or on the beltways. I have taken meds, like Celexia, and Lexapro, and it worked for a while. --Anonymous
A: I am not sure if why is the right question to be asking. There may be many reasons why you can feel anxiety, but the real important question is how do you know when to do it and how to do it.
Meds do a great job with masking one feeling with another one. Eventually, your body adapts to the medication and that feeling subsides. And then you are left with the initial feeling of anxiety.
So once again it becomes imperative to find out when and how to do the process of anxiety. And this is important to realize as well. The more you try to wrap your arms around something as fluid as a feeling, the tougher time you will have. I mean if you could grab a hold of it, then you could shake it around and maybe even slap some sense into it. Tell that anxiety to just "Stop it!" Or perhaps chuck it in the trash.
Since anxiety is a feeling, a different approach has to be taken. The process of anxiety, just like any other feeling has a beginning, middle, and an end. Pretend you are in that situation right now and notice the beginning, middle, and ending of the anxious feeling. Rest your full attention on it. And with some practice you will begin to notice that you can observe it without being pulled along for the ride. The "You" watching it is not the same as the "you" feeling it.
Pay attention to what triggers it. Is it something you see, hear, taste, or smell? Also pay attention to where you feel that feeling in the body, what does that energy feel like? Where does it want to go? Place your attention on it and follow the energy flow around your body until it finds an exit point. This can be repeated as needed until the energy zips right along. Explore your system to make some core changes.
-Oz
The answer to "
Grip on Anxiety
"
posted by Ayaz @
1 comments
Eliminate an Allergy
Q: I have heard that NLP can eliminate an allergy. Please explain how that works and what kind of allergies it is most effective on. Also I have heard that if a person with multiple personalities has an allergic reaction it will only affect one of the personalities and not the others. Is this truth or urban legend --Sherry
A: Humans are really an interesting bunch. We can mimic so well. And we have all said from time to time that a part of me wants to do so and so, but another part really wants to do this other thing instead. Now everyday individuals say that and understand that to be just a part of them, a part of the whole. Individuals who have managed to give these parts a more "real" identity have in fact created a new personality with its own patterns, rules, and beliefs.
There was an earlier question I answered that dealt with simultaneous and sequential incongruence. Individuals with Multiple Personality Disorder or MPD are in fact very congruent in each personality, like a great actor committed to a specific role. In most cases, new identities are the result of incongruent parts forming their own congruent identities. And whereas most people seek integration for balance, their system keeps dividing or separating to obtain balance.
And there is another remarkable feature of the human system; to preserve a certain level of ecology, each identity creates its own patterns and behaviors. This is one way each identity distinguishes itself from the other. Each one can say, "Well, I don't do that, he or she does." Each identity takes responsibility for only its part, not the whole.
So going back to your question, yes each personality or in some cases a group of personalities will share a particular response or behavior while the others will not. There have been cases where one personality had diabetes, and the other personalities could produce insulin without any problem. Some have gotten scars or marks that disappear with other personalities. And even allergies switch from personality to personality.
And to further answer your question, an allergy is basically a mistake in recognition at the level of the immune system. If someone gives you a compliment and you perceive it as an insult, you will respond to the remark as an insult. That is all the immune system is doing.
The immune system perceives food, bees, pollen, dust, and other typical allergy-inducing things as a danger to the system. And the response is better known as an allergy-response. Structurally this is the pattern of any allergy. Using NLP, you can retrain your immune system to respond in a more appropriate way. You could do it yourself or with the help of a professional. However, if you do try to do it yourself, please take all the necessary precautions. Each immune system is different and each person's allergic response is different as well.
Some resources available to assist your understanding: the movies Sybil and Identity. Also read the book Heart of the Mind by Connirae and Steve Andreas.
-Oz
The answer to "
Eliminate an Allergy
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
EFT to Anchor Positive Statements
Q: Can you use EFT to anchor positive statements such as "I love to make money" by tapping the Meridians points consistently? --Anonymous
A: Before I answer this question, let me share some background information. The premise behind EFT is that the human body is also an energy body and energy must always be flowing. And problems arise due to blocks in the movement of energy within field.
The tapping process is used to stimulate or shock the blockage, or at least begin to loosen it up so once again energy can begin to flow freely. Just as tension can be released when that part of the body is opened up, so can the energy that has been stored there. It requires that you first become aware and then place your attention on it. Tapping takes it a step further to ensure a thorough release.
Although energy itself is totally neutral, we can have some emotions and feelings that are not so useful as well as others that are quite useful. Now in my opinion, one of the reasons why positive statements work so well in combination with EFT is because it helps release any incongruencies with us.
To repeat a statement such as "I love to make money" can have many layers of "emotional baggage". And through repeating such a statement, you may notice a variety of feelings come up that you may not have words for, but find yourself releasing them. These are all the incongruencies or disbeliefs or contrary beliefs and feelings that are being released.
And when you can say, "I love to make money!" with total congruence, then you don't need to tap any longer, you'll just be in that place where you love to make money.
-Oz
The answer to "
EFT to Anchor Positive Statements
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Creating Nested Loops
Q: What is the procedure for creating nested loops?--Anonymous
A: This is a simple explanation and you can click on the link below to read an example. First you have to have a purpose for beginning the loop. Are you chaining states? Are you embedding suggestions? Are you packaging large chunks of information? First know how you will use it, and then begin.
-
Open loop A -
Go two-thirds of the way through and open loop B -
Go two-thirds of the way through and open loop C -
Go two-thirds of the way through and open loop D -
Go two-thirds of the way through and open loop E -
EMBED MESSAGE -
Close loop E -
Close loop D -
Close loop C -
Close loop B -
Close loop A
There are many variations you can do with nested loops, such as sub-loops and leaving some loops open for periods of time. One of the best ways to get exposed to nested loops is either go see Richard Bandler or get some of his products from the later years.
Read the example!
-Oz
The answer to "
Creating Nested Loops
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Explain NLP Timelines
Q: Can you explain NLP timelines and how you can use them with yourself?--Anonymous
A: Time is a construct humans have created to measure change. However, over the centuries, we have become quite dependent upon time for things other than just change. Time has integrated into our lives in a very profound way. And since we belief in time, we are bound by the rules and confines of time. We could just stop believing in time, and all time-related problems would cease to exist. But that is a paradigm shift most people are not willing to make.
So another alternative is using our own belief in time to alter our lives in a more beneficial way. This means we may be able to bend the rules to a certain degree. Now one distinction to bear in mind is that time doesn't exist linearly, at least not for everyone. That's why I call it Time-Oriented Technologies. The concept of timelines forces you into the concept of a linear progression of time, B follows A, and C follows B. However since it is most common, I will focus on it here.
We all have ways of coding time. It's how you know tomorrow from yesterday and today from a week ago or a week from, today. And we all have ways of distinguishing personal time from clock time. Have you ever noticed that sometimes standing in a long line for a movie you really want to see can seem to take much longer than the movie itself? That's because personal time is subjective whereas clock time can be considered objective.
So personal time is just that, personal to us. And it doesn't just exist in our head, at least not entirely. As humans, we tend to use the space around our bodies to mark out our experiences. And one criteria for where these experiences will be stored spatially is time.
For example, if you think of a common activity such as eating lunch or brushing your teeth, you may discover that when you think of that activity, between yesterday, today, and tomorrow, you store that information in different spatial locations. And that's how you can tell them apart, at least in the context of time.
You can begin using this with yourself by exploring where you store your memories both past and future memories. Pay attention to the location, the distance relative to you and your position, the size of each memory or experience, and whether they are in color or in black and white. Move them around and check to see if that makes you feel different. Notice what kind of impact it has on your neuro-physiology. Explore your inner world in relation to time. When does one memory begin and when does it end. How do you know the starting and stopping points? If you change one memory, does it affect others? And soon enough, you may start discovering how dependent or independent you are of time.
There are many specific techniques you can use with time that are taught during a NLP training or even an Advanced Hypnosis training. And in the meantime, you can explore your inner workings to get a head start.
-Oz
The answer to "
Explain NLP Timelines
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Visual Squash or Parts Integration with Groups
Q: I am trained in NLP. I was wondering, whether you have any suggestions on how to use Visual Squash / Parts Integration with a group of people. In contrast to individual sessions I would not be able to attend to each person separately, and they must be guided in a special way. Any thoughts on that? Thank you.--Anonymous
A: Well it can be done. But it may be a little trickier. And it may not exactly be considered a Visual Squash. Although the following may already be familiar to you, I will recap for other readers. The Visual Squash is useful when you have two behaviors that are in conflict. For example, a smoker who likes smoking but wants to stop for whatever reason. You use the Visual Squash to A) separate intention from behavior (for each of the conflicting behaviors), then B) basically collapse two anchors. Now in most cases if you go for the highest positive intention, they will collapse on their own; otherwise you may need to do a little more work to get them there.
Now when you go about doing this with a group, you could have everyone with their palms up and chunking up to the highest intention on their own as you kind of guided them along. But more powerful would be, and what I have done on occasion is elicit from the group a problem which comprises of conflicting behaviors (everyone will have their own problem) and then I conversationally explain the Visual Squash, using my own hands and using generalized nominalizations. If you cycle through enough of those, you'll eventually hit most of the top ones for most folks. (peace, oneness, God, freedom, joy, state of being, etc...) As you can guess, the key to doing this with a group is calibration. And when you are high enough, when they feel that both behaviors serve a similar purpose or intention, then squash it slowly. This works to the degree that they follow along with you on the inside. And since people often find it easy to identify with others, especially in group settings and when you are using vague nominalizations, most will follow along with ease.
And one final point. My preference and recommendation for groups would still be the traditional collapsing anchors. Elicit the key states that drive each of the behaviors, stack them, and collapse them. And even with anchoring, the more generalized the states you elicit, the more people you will reach. And once again, calibration is the key.
-Oz
The answer to "
Visual Squash or Parts Integration with Groups
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Getting Over a Dead Relationship
Q: How do I get over a relationship that is dead? I am separated from the man I love. He is not coming back... We have been separated for 3 yrs... I cannot get over him. I have gone a few dates with different men, but nothing catches my eye... the only time I smile is when I think of mike (my husband)... I am looking for ideas, do you have any?--Anonymous
A: If you are certain that the relationship is dead, then it is time to move. All of you. And by that I mean the pictures inside your mind as well. In your mind's eye, you may have an image of this man, and there can be many ways you could be doing this, you may try to superimpose this image onto every new man you meet and find that this new man can never fit quite right in the image of the man you loved. Or you may have two pictures side by side of the previous man and the new man, and once again the new man just can't compete.
As I mentioned before there are many ways you could be doing this. The important point for you is to go explore your own mind and see exactly how someone new would have to catch your eye. Go through and check all the submodalities of the image of the man you loved. After doing this you may realize that you aren't really responding to the person, but in fact the image you hold in your mind's eye of this person. And your feelings will shift as you alter the image or images.
And once you have the submodalities, how your mind codes experiences, you can use this to adjust the submodalities of someone new that you meet to that of the man you loved. But make sure before you adjust the submodalities that this new person meets your criteria of the kind of relationship you want to have. And when you are sure, then adjust the submodalities to get the feelings you want to have.
This may be easier with the assistance of a professional. Remember it is okay to ask for help.
-Oz
The answer to "
Getting Over a Dead Relationship
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Building Rapport Over the Phone
Q: When I am talking to somebody on the telephone, what is the most effective way of my building rapport with them? How can I best work out what is their primary and secondary modalities?--Anonymous
A: One of the quickest ways to establish rapport with someone on the phone is speaking at the rate at which they speak. People think at the rate they speak. Consider your own internal dialogue; it should be about the same rate as your speech.
From here you can start speaking at their volume, tone, and cadence. And if you feel comfortable and can do so without overdoing, you can imitate accents. But keep this really subtle or don't do it at all. You can also match the quality of their speech. If someone speaks broken English, and you speak back to them in broken English, they'll understand you better than if you were to speak clear and fluid English. Remember you are building rapport by matching how they think internally. If it is broken English on the outside, then it is probably broken English on the inside. The premise behind rapport is "I am as you are."
Practice first with getting in rapport with anyone, whether it is over the phone or in person. Get your ears tuned into hearing all of the above, so that you can modify your speech immediately upon hearing the other person.
And when you get good at this and no longer have to give it as much conscious attention, then you can move on to listening to their language for their predicates to hear which modality is their lead. You can also tell by the rate at which they speak. Really fast, visual. Average speed, auditory. And slowly, then it's kinesthetic.
There are also some energy techniques that can be used to build rapport that I won't go into here, but you can find some articles on it in the articles section or subscriber's area.
-Oz
The answer to "
Building Rapport Over the Phone
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Beating Procrastination
Q: I always surrender not to do something that I must do to make my life better, in sort word is procrastination. Do you have best idea to beat procrastination, so I can more control to do whatever I like to achieve. --Mario
A: I am always amazed by the number of people who are motivated to stop procrastinating, yet never consider procrastinate procrastinating. But I guess for some people that is the easy way out.
However, you my friend must do certain things to make your life better, but aren't doing yet—why? Lack of trying? Lack of time? Lack of desire? Or maybe just a lack of motivation? No, no, no...
You're definitely motivated, otherwise we would not be engaging in this communication. So what are you motivated to do, and who sets the rules for it? What criteria must be fulfilled for Mario to do something, to take action? What strategy is currently in place for you to do the things that you must do and actually do? How is that different from the things that you must do and don't do?
In scenario one, A leads to B, and in scenario two, A doesn't lead to B. What's different here? And once you discover this, that'll be the difference that makes the difference!
I would give you more information, but I only have limited information to work off of. So take the time to learn about yourself and the way you do things. Motivation strategies are always linked in with decision strategies. Pay attention to both.
-Oz
The answer to "
Beating Procrastination
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Drama Clouds Good Decision-making Skills
Q: I've been with my husband for 13 years, married for 5. We started dating when I was 13 years old and as the years progressed with him, I couldn't handle the fact that he had had so many partners. But at the age of 13 I think that would be normal. Anyways, when I was 16 I started seeing another guy. So wrong, but I liked them both so much. I loved them both. We got caught and my boyfriend forgave me. Although it wasn't that simple but to make the story somewhat shorter, I was very sorry but apparently stupid as this guy and I started secretly seeing each other again. He was a very obsessed guy who was sleeping around with everyone and I knew this. He was also very persistent and at one point he used to stock me. I don't know what attracted me to him still to this day.
We got caught again and my boyfriend forgave me and we really worked on our relationship. This other guy got a girlfriend and eventually time had passed and we all hung out. But I could sense that he still loved me...this is now at the age of 19. In the meantime my boyfriend and I lived in his parent's basement suite. We moved into a house and one night while my boyfriend was away at work, I saw this other guy at a friends gathering. I talked to him a little bit and went home. Not too long after I was home, he showed up at my door. We had a one night stand under the influence and then he'd call the odd night requesting to come over to visit. We once again started our secret relationship.
I started to gain an emotional and physical bond with this guy. I do love both of these men but I want to be only with my husband and faithfully. There are so many cons about this other guy but my head doesn't listen to what I want. As you can tell my love life and emotional state are in turmoil. This guy now has a girlfriend and so we don't talk or see each other as much if at all. He still calls every now and then telling me he loves me and that we should run away together. But even though I love him I don't want to. When I see him I get so nervous it's like my body convulses. I just want to get over him and not care what he does because I'm happy with the man I'm with now.
I want to forget my past...it's full of regret. This guy used to call me some nasty names and we'd fight a lot. But yet I still love him. Go figure. I want so much to live a normal life...and if you can help in any way I would be ever so grateful to you. Also there are so many people around us that could get hurt by what this guy and I have done. I don't want any of these people to have to go through any of it...mostly the guy I'm with now. How rude of me. --Anonymous
A: That's a great story, and while the drama of it could suck in the greatest of stoics, I'm not totally sure I understand the question, but I'll give it a shot. Some people think it is impossible to love more than one person. However, it is only an emotion, something you feel. People don't ask questions when a person claims to love two flavors of ice cream. But what is that "love," if not an emotion or feeling.
Aah! Okay. There does exist different degrees of love. I may love chocolate more than I love vanilla, if even only a little. I may certainly love a person more than ice cream. But then again I like ice cream a lot more than other random people. So the equation goes:
Love someone > ice cream > other random people
Gaining clarity and quantifying emotions is only part of the solution. The other major part is how you respond to the equation. Would I say "No" to the person I love in favor of ice cream? If so, then under what conditions? What about other random people? Under what conditions?
And once you discover these boundaries, your own personal rules, then realize how much control do you have over these conditions? Do you position yourself to make choosing more difficult? To decide means to cut off from every other possibility. If you decide to choose your husband, are you really ready to face the consequences of that decision? And what would you be cutting yourself off from?
Forgetting your past is easy. Because there are already things you have forgotten, that you didn't even know you remembered. And if you can forget the things you don't even remember, then just think how easily you can forget to remember to not forget the things you do remember, haven't you? And just as easily the regret you had, which by the way, exists in the gap of understanding that you know something now that you didn't then, but thinking that you did know it then.
Once again it all goes back to decisions. We feel regret in the present when we think we should've made a different decision in the past. But the fact is you made that decision with all the information that was available to you at the time, except maybe one. In most cases, the decision wasn't thought through well enough. The consequences weren't weighed or were ignored. If you have considered every angle in the decision making process, then regret becomes silly. Then you can just say, "I made a decision and it had consequences that I did not like." And in either scenario, you will learn from the mistakes.
This is normal life. Learning is living. If you really want to move on then, go ahead and step back from all of this and notice what you learned, about other people, about these two guys, and especially yourself. And now what do you want to do with these learning's?
What direction do you want your life to take? (By the way, this is a DECISION--consider all the angles!) And with whom?
One thing I would recommend is to buy a book or two on decision-making. You already understand executing a decision, you just don't seem happy with the ones you make, which means some help with planning the decision could be useful."Yes" or "No": The Guide to Better Decisions by Spencer Johnson is simple and a terrific book on making decisions. Another one is Smart Choices: A Practical Guide to Making Better Life Decisions by John S. Hammond, Ralph L. Keeney, Howard Raiffa. Good luck!
-Oz
The answer to "
Drama Clouds Good Decision-making Skills
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Defending Myself Without Attracting Negative Energy
Q: First of all, I LOVE your website! Thank you for sharing your gifts. Now, my question is about energy and attraction and manifestation. I know I must maintain a high vibration to attract positives in my life. I'm going thru a divorce and am being "attacked" for alimony. I have been staying out of low vibration, but this means not defending myself, let alone being offensive. The consequences will be long-term. How do I "defend myself" or even become assertive without attracting negative energy to myself? I've focused on sending love to the situation and cutting cords, but am being counseled to actively defend myself or go on the offensive. Thank you, Oz. --Anonymous
A: Interesting choice of words you used here. The neat thing about language is the words we use out here are an accurate representation of the words and thoughts on the inside.
I want you to think about something. Take the word "defense" or the phrase "defending myself," and notice what kind of image it puts in your mind. You may see a stronger and more powerful you, that's true. But now consider for a moment, what kind of energy fuels that image and those words. Notice where that stems from? Where is the source of that fuel? And when you get in tune with that place, do you feel that you are resonating at a high frequency or a low frequency?
Energy and attraction and vibrations, these concepts aren't cognitive; they're 100% kinesthetic. When you start seeing the world in dichotomies or polarities, such as them and us, offense and defense, the balance, the middle ground disappears. And before you know it, you are on an emotional rollercoaster ride with no hands on the control lever.
To get centered, to start vibrating at those high frequencies, you have to let the battle go. That doesn't mean you lay down like a doormat. You certainly stand up for yourself, but from a place of strength and grace and love; the places where fear doesn't exist, the place where ego doesn't exist. Find your "self" in that "between-ness." And then, and only then will you really begin to resonate at those high frequencies. Ooh, and then they better watch out. Manifestation time!!!
-Oz
The answer to "
Defending Myself Without Attracting Negative Energy
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Understanding Procrastination
Q: I have got into a habit of procrastinating. In the morning when I wake up I am full of enthusiasm thinking I will study after I go home from work. When I reach home, I watch television, just waste time but keep telling myself "I will study later." Finally I go off to sleep and next day I awaken miserably with the realization that I have not done anything on the previous day. What NLP technique would help me in this case? --Anonymous
A: NLP has many patterns or techniques. And they can be very effective when used the right way. Let me clarify this some more. NLP works because it systematically reorganizes the "how," the process.
Something triggers a particular sequence into play, and then something else triggers it to stop. Using NLP, or better stated would be, a person skilled in NLP, would piece this strategy apart to discover, how it works, when it works, what triggers it to start, and what triggers it to stop, as well as what beliefs, decisions, and other rules keep that strategy in place (because some patterns come and disappear without any conscious awareness at all--no rule to keep it there).
Once you have all this information, the technique or the intervention takes only a matter of minutes. Everything up until this point is where the work is. All too often people learning NLP in the early stages try a particular pattern on themselves and conclude, "Oh, this doesn't work on me."
In most cases, this is because a pattern is run on only the conscious information of the problem. And then it is just about as effective as someone trying to use willpower to stop doing something. It doesn't work all that well. Eventually, your conscious attention shifts and your unconscious patterns emerge once again.
So the answer to your question can be none or all, it just depends on how you are doing what you are doing.
-Oz
The answer to "
Understanding Procrastination
"
posted by Ayaz @
0 comments
Setting Boundaries
Q: My dad's family keeps on getting too much involved in my personal life. How can I stop this without hurting them? --Anonymous
A: I had a neighbor a while back who really disliked dogs. And to his misfortune, he had a neighbor on one side that had two somewhat large dogs. And for some reason they always found themselves in his back yard.
Fortunately (for the dogs that is), his wife hid his rifle, because there were many times when he would have just fired a round or two in each of both of them. He tried to approach the dogs' owner, but his constant requests fell on deaf ears.
And since his wife wouldn't let him shoot the dogs, he ended up doing the only reasonable thing he could think of, build a fence.
When I used to live overseas, it is quite common for homeowners to have a boundary wall around their property. I had driven by the famous boxer, Evander Holyfield's home once a few months back here outside of Atlanta. He too, had a long boundary wall around his house and pool.
Walls can be built with all types of materials. Holyfield's was made of bricks; the Great Wall of China is comprised of large stones.
Some people build these walls to keep others out, while others build them to keep something precious within. But in either case, a well-defined boundary is clearly visible by all.
Once the boundary lines are clearly marked, don't think people won't ever cross them, because they will. Human nature I guess. They want to see what's on the other side. But this also means you now have more leverage on how you can respond to those "curious cats."
In the process, you'll be better able to hold your own stance without justification, and soon enough they'll get the idea. Get it?
-Oz
The answer to "
Setting Boundaries
"
posted by Ayaz @
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How to Stop Procrastinating?
Q: I want to know how to stop procrastinating. I think I could get a gold medal in that. Even though I have urgent and pressing things to do, I will 'just do this for now', only I just keep doing it, or whatever else comes along. The things I do probably take less energy than the things I should be doing, but I would much rather do them than sort out those urgent bills or do this job or that job.
I know that when I do, do those jobs that I am supposed to be doing, I can become highly motivated, yet I cannot find that motivation when I am procrastinating. Organizing my life and staying with my goals seems so much harder than just drifting. When I drift, I can use my imagination and be free.
I may, for instance surf the net and read your articles, follow links, read email and so on, and do it for half the night rather than go to bed. I get tired during the day, but I learned a lot of interesting stuff during the night. Meanwhile, the paperwork never seems to get done, even though I will allow a whole day for it.
Everything seems to take me far too long, but because I get 'lost' in what I am doing, I don't notice the passage of time and I only occasionally notice that I should really be doing something else and I am not sure how I ended up doing what I am doing, but 'I WILL do that urgent job in a minute when I finish this', except I never seem to finish. It is clear I need to make a change or two, but I am not sure how. Any suggestions?-- Bill
A: Hmm, where to begin? I was going to get to this question immediately, but then I thought I would step into your shoes and see the world from there. Good thing I stepped back into my own shoes, otherwise you probably wouldn't be reading this.
So now I will just crank you out a reply. It is that easy, you know. I mean consider for a moment the consequences of keeping your current pattern. Eventually, no bills get paid; there goes the access to the internet along with the electricity. Great!!! Problem solved.
Okay, so all new sorts of problems now exist. So let's try another strategy. Do everything you should be doing right down to the letter. Make everything an urgent matter and die of a coronary in a few years. Great!!! Problem solved.
No, not yet. This sounds more like a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Hmm, then where to begin?
Well let's do a quick exercise, because you might discover some fascinating things about yourself. When you think of all that you should be doing like...
I used to go around saying, "I've got hundreds of things to get done today." And I was only fourteen at the time. By twenty, it was thousands. And every time I would think about them, I would have this huge collage of images and movies only an inch from my face...my blood pressure was always high, and I soon found myself running from my own pictures.
Well the funny thing about the pictures inside your own head is that you can't get but so far. And soon enough they find you, and they seem to have amplified while you were away distracting yourself. It's like even though you tried to forget, they remembered.
All these things you should be doing, all the energy you expend on thinking about them, all the energy you spend on creative ways to distract yourself...well to use this much energy, seems like you are quite motivated already.
If so, then the question becomes, how can you use this motivation to your benefit?
When I finally got fed up with running away from what I needed to be doing, and just said, "STOP!!!" I discovered all the movies became stills, and I was able to push them all back to a point where I could view them from a comfortable distance. And this is the really interesting part.
I began looking at it from all different angles. Then I made a short list of my criterion and priorities. And I soon began rearranging the pictures in slightly different ways. In ways so they seemed to flow better. One would support the next one. Some still remained urgent, and were quite important, so I took care of them right away. While others I realized were extremely important, but just not as urgent. And I knew for these, I needed to implement a special strategy.
I created a snapshot of myself after having completed each of those things. I stepped inside each one to get a good feeling of what that is like to have completed each of these tasks. Then I stepped back out bringing this feeling back with me. (My motivation) Then I began making all new movies, movies which consisted of me following the necessary steps to achieve that image and feeling.
Knowing what the outcome was, I never worried about losing myself in the process, because I knew where I was headed. I was free to enjoy the whole experience. Imagine that? I get to learn along the way and still get done the things I want done or need to get done.
And Bill, I became extremely motivated...because on the one hand I had this way of putting all this pressure on myself, that worked just enough to make my life miserable, but not uncomfortable to do anything about it.
And the moment, I tossed that old strategy aside, and began using a totally new way that streamlined my efforts; I began creating a whole new world of opportunities. And by bringing this into light and with greater clarity and focus, I soon discovered to lighten up, relax, and enjoy the ride.
The key is to know where the ride is taking you. Your mother was right if she told you to not ride with strangers. But then again, your own unconscious mind is far from being a stranger to you, not anymore, is it? And you may or may not know that once a program is set in place at the unconscious level, all the willpower in the world is not going to stop it from fulfilling its mission.
If you don't believe me, try brushing your teeth with the opposite hand or put the other shoe on first, and remember to do this every time. You'll soon discover how much time and conscious energy it takes to keep it up. Your natural inclination is to fall back to the unconscious way of doing it. And you may find that you would just rather spend your time making the necessary changes at the unconscious levels in such a way that you find all the motivation you need, exactly when you need it, without fail.
And remember you are finished when you feel that you are. And not a moment sooner. The key here is to recognize the feeling of completion in respect to the part you are working on. Some processes take longer than others. And that is fine. Because anyone can eat a whole watermelon, when broken down into sizable chunks. Kind of like the people who eat a 96oz steaks. They eat, they breathe, they belch, and then eat some more.
Not a pleasant sight, but it works!
So remember to come up for air and SMILE and enjoy the being within the doing.
-Oz
The answer to "
How to Stop Procrastinating?
"
posted by Ayaz @
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Understanding Relationships and Assumptions
Q: What should I do? Me and my boyfriend have been together for 2 years, but 1 year ago he moved to a different state. But we still talk on the phone and everything... but since he's been gone I have been spending a lot of time with his cousin... and his cousin sort of fell in love with me...I don't want to hurt neither of them so what should I do?-- Jes
A: Well let's start with an underlying assumption you are making. You say you don't want to hurt neither of them, so the question I have for you is how do you know you will? Have you specifically defined where your relationship is with your boyfriend, not only to yourself, but also shared this with him. What if you have outgrown each other and you are basing these assumptions off of irrelevant information. And I am not saying that you are, just something for you to consider.
Because the truth of the matter is, I am not going to tell you what to do either way. This is a decision you will have to make for yourself. And it would be foolish of me to give you any advice based on such little information.
So what I will suggest is for you to consider looking at some things such as, you say his cousin fell in love with you. What are your feelings about him? Remember to look out for yourself as well. Where are you in this web?
Something else to look at is your own personal criteria for a boyfriend. How well have you defined what it is that is important to you in a mate and in a relationship?
These are just some starting points. Ask yourself some more key questions to get a "real" answer from yourself.
-Oz
The answer to "
Understanding Relationships and Assumptions
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Using EFT to Eliminate Sad Memories
Q: What is a technique to eliminate sad memories of the past? How can you use it? --Anonymous
A: There are many different techniques to eliminate a charge out of a specific memory. The memory itself may serve a purpose, such as a learning, insight, or a reminder of some sort. However, the charge associated with such a memory can easily be erased.
One of the quickest and most effective ways to accomplish this is with the use of EFT (Emotional Freedom Techniques). Although, there are many NLP and hypnotic processes to achieve your outcome, EFT takes care of it the quickest. Aside from speed, it is also quite thorough.
Below you will find an outline of a shortcut EFT process that I use personally. Although, this process is quite effective, I would still recommend the assistance of an experienced practitioner to ensure lasting results and thoroughness. The problem cannot be solved at the level of the problem; hence having another person provides a unique problem-free perspective. And in many cases, that can be the difference that makes the difference. EFT is quite simple to administer and most practitioners can utilize this technique over the phone if necessary.
IMAGE: First begin by holding an image of that sad memory in your mind. It doesn"t matter if it is clear or not, just enough to sense that it is there.
TRIGGER PHRASE: Then, as you think of this sad memory, come up with a statement that best reflects your feeling about it. Example: "I am/feel ..." (sad, depressed, upset, etc.)
DISTURBANCE GAUGE: Then, put a numeric value on it. 0-10. TEN being the worst, and ZERO feeling totally neutral about it. Where is it at when you look at that image and say your trigger phrase, 0-10?
BREAK STATE: Shake off this state. Say your home phone number aloud and backwards. Get up and move around if necessary.
INSTALLATION PHRASE: Create a phrase that states how you would like to feel about this memory and any similar future events. Example: "I can respect and appreciate all the experiences I live through...", "I am a stronger and more informed person now...", "I can choose to respond in a way that most empowers me..."
VALIDITY GAUGE: Now gauge this installation phrase on a level of 1-5. ONE being "completely false" and FIVE being "completely true." Choose an installation phrase that scores at least a 4 or a 5. The installation phrase will be examined again after you administer the tapping.
TAPPING SEQUENCE: Begin by tapping on each point while repeating the "trigger phrase". You may tap on these points using any two fingers. Tap with a comfortable amount of force. Tap each point between 5-7 times. The point sequence is as follows:
- Inside eyebrow of either eye
- Side of either eye
- Under either eye
- Under the nose
- Under the bottom lip
- Trace your finger down one inch below the "U" formed by the collar bones (center of chest), and then one inch over on each side of the center line (Tap on both points)
- Four inches below the armpit
- Crown of the head
EYE MOVEMENTS: After the tapping, take your two fingers and trace a large circle out in front of you and let your eyes follow gently behind your fingers. First trace a circle clockwise, then counterclockwise, then a figure 8, then a figure 8 on its side or an infinity symbol.
TEST: Check to see where you are at on the "disturbance gauge". Did it go down? Up? Or no change?
BODY SCAN # 1: Close your eyes, hold that image of that memory in your mind, and do a quick body scan to get a full gauge of any disturbance.
REPEAT IF NECESSARY: If needed, go through the tapping and eye movement sequence until your disturbance gauge is down to zero or one.
VALIDITY CHECK: Check to see how you gauge your installation phrase now. Is it a 4 or a 5, yet? If necessary, you can reword it to make it a 4 or a 5.
INSTALLATION: Run through the tapping sequence and eye movements repeating the installation phrase.
BODY SCAN # 2: Close your eyes again. Hold that image in your mind again, but this time with the new installation phrase. And notice how your whole body feels with this image and statement in mind.
TEST AGAIN: If any discomfort arises during the second body scan, repeat the whole process on this new feeling. Otherwise, test this new installation by making images of other similar instances or even movies of such events and notice how your response is different.
This is a quick rundown on how I sometimes use EFT. There are many other ways and variations. You may want to pick up Gary Craig"s (creator of EFT) video set to get it right from the source. This is an excellent way to begin.
Please contact me if you have any questions with this process or any general comments.
-Oz
The answer to "
Using EFT to Eliminate Sad Memories
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posted by Ayaz @
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Interpreting Client Responses During Hypnosis
Q: How does a psychologist interpret the meaning of client responses during hypnosis? --Anonymous
A: Well not being a psychologist, that would be tough for me to answer. So the only thing I can share is my own interpretation of what you want to know from this question.
Interpreting a response means that I go inside my own head and hallucinate the meaning. In most cases that won't do me or the client any good. Instead I can notice the response, and see if it fits the response I was aiming to elicit. If not, then I can change my approach, until I get the response I am after or decide to go for something else altogether.
And the best way to notice responses is to go into an uptime trance. Meaning get out of your own head and pay attention to the person sitting in front of you. Remember: that's why they are paying you!
Once you pay attention to the client, you will become aware of their current trance. And in most cases, it is not serving them, and that is why they are there to see you. Now as a skilled hypnotist, you can find out where they currently are and where they would like to be. And using a variety of hypnotic tools, you can easily guide them there.
And during the journey, you will notice all sorts of responses. And these responses let you know if you are on the right track or not. This is where sensory acuity and knowing what the client wants, comes into play.
So there is no need to interpret anything, especially when the client is right in front of you. If you aren't sure, just ask. They'll steer you in the right direction if you are off.
It is very simple, so keep it simple. And anyone can do well with hypnosis!
-Oz
The answer to "
Interpreting Client Responses During Hypnosis
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posted by Ayaz @
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On Ways to Improve Memory or Recall
Q: On ways to improve memory or recall?--Anonymous
A: As you can recall, you were wondering about memory and how to improve yours.
You see the work that I do goes far beyond personal development and motivation. My mission is to dive into the human mind and discover and unlock the mysteries of personal power, tap into unlimited human resources, and optimize the mind-body continuum.
And that is what is so interesting about memory. We all have a fantastic memory. However, sometimes we code the information the first time in a particular way, and go back to accessing it in another way, hoping it will still be there. Well it is still there, but you're not going down the right mental maze to gain entry.
Think about all the letters in the English language. How easy is it for you to remember 26 letters? Now think of all the words these 26 letters can form. And how easy is it for you to remember them?
Think about emotions for a second. How many emotion words can you come up with in 60 seconds? (ex. happy, sad, glad) How many words are there in the English language that convey emotion? Now the words that you came up with the fastest are the ones coded in such a way that you can easily access them.
Now what else is interesting is that most likely these are the few emotions that you cycle through in a given day. Now that doesn't mean you aren't feeling more things, however these are the labels you are cycling through. Now think about all the other emotions you are missing out on. (A good reason to increase your working vocabulary)
Well you mentioned that you bought a memory audiotape program to improve your memory, but couldn't remember to do it. Interesting paradox. Surprisingly enough though, that happens quite a bit.
But what it all comes down to is strategy. Now that is at one level. The other is at the level of intention. How do you know that something is worth remembering? And more importantly how do you remember that?
Because it really is easy to forget the things that aren't important, so long as you remember to forget them, while remembering the important things. And pretty soon, once you are good, getting better, at remembering in such a way that eventually you can trust your own unconscious to forget consciously to remember to forget the unimportant things and remember with extreme precision and accuracy the things that are truly important in your life, you will find your memory greatly enhanced in a delightful way. And isn't that all you are really wanting to get anyway, won't you?
So with intention in place and now having a reason to remember how do you create or access a effective strategy to remember?
And just before, let's make another key distinction. And that is the difference between not making time for something and not remembering to do it. Don't blame your memory when it reminds you of something and you tell it, "Oh, too late, I'm busy now! Try back later." All you will do is piss it off, and it may be less likely to cooperate with you the next go round.
Instead it would serve you far better to thank it each time it does remind you and gently let it know that you have decided to go with another activity at the moment, and you will definitely consider engaging in the recollected activity shortly.
Now this may sound a bit crazy, but it is amazing how well it works. You will get much further by aligning and cooperating with your memory instead of battling it.
So now to discovering a useful strategy. How do you remember something really well? How is that coded in your mind?
Is it picture, sound, or feeling?
If it is a picture, is it big or small, close or far, bright or dim, 2-D or 3-D, in color or b/w, framed or panoramic, moving or still, solid or transparent, etc...
If it is a sound, is it loud or soft or does it build up or go the other way down, pleasant tonality or not so pleasant, quick or slow tempo, high or low pitch, coming from nearby or far away, in stereo or mono, where is it coming from (location- right, left, center, front, back, middle, etc..), rhythmic or choppy, etc...
If it is a feeling, where is it located? Is it heavy or a light feeling, cool or warm, moving or still, pulsating or tingling, etc...
And as you discover this, find out the sequence that best helps you remember it. Pick something you remember, for example your bank PIN. How did you remember it? What did you do first? Make a picture, sound, or feeling. What did you do next?
For example, my strategy for that is to see a picture inside my head of my fingers punching in the numbers on the keypad (Visual Internal-Vi), then say the numbers to myself, as I am reading them of the keypad following my fingers (Auditory Digital-Ad), and then I end with a feeling of "That's right!" (Positive Kinesthetic-Visceral Internal- K-Vi+).
And it has to end with a positive feeling because if it ended with a negative or uncertain feeling, that is my cue to cycle back through to make sure it is the right sequence. And I would continue cycling through making little shifts until I get a positive feeling in the end.
Now this is a simple strategy. And there exist many more complicated strategies. However, if you have a complicated strategy, it is good to condense it to the bare essentials while getting the desired outcome. Many times a person will become to lazy to follow through on a complicated strategy, hence becoming indecisive.
And you can begin to play with this (your own mind) and begin to discover all sorts of neat stuff. Because you already have an amazing memory. Really think about. You emailed me. Think of all the things that go into that. Page outline, paragraph and sentence construction, formation of words and appropriate sequencing to convey a particular message, and of course the letters themselves. What is your strategy for remembering all those things?
Because now you can remember a great much more, quite easily, won't you?
Just relax an play with it. Seriously, have fun! Or better yet, just have fun and forget the seriousness all together! And that is exactly where your strategy of not remembering to the point of forgetting can become quite useful.
Enjoy!
-Oz
The answer to "
On Ways to Improve Memory or Recall
"
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Using NLP to Complete Tasks
Q: I have a habit of leaving things half-way. I never seem to complete any task fully. For example while reading some of the answers people have written, I have skipped a few words here and there. My observation ability I feel is poor. I want to know how do I use anchoring or future pacing in NLP to help me?--Anonymous
A: I worked with a client a while back who could never keep his room clean. When I asked him what happened when he thought about a clean room, he replied, "There is just too much work; I can't do it!"
Another client had a similar problem; however he hated the "doing" of it. Now there are some people who make these unpleasant pictures inside their heads with loud, stern voices that dictate to them to do such and such activity or else! And out of shear pain, these people manage to get things done.
Now that certainly is one way to accomplish something, with a constant bad feeling. There are them who think S and M are more than just mere letters in the alphabet. However, I am in the favor of discovering positive motivation strategies that generally work in the long run for most people.
So let's take a look at what you wrote. Part of NLP, which usually goes unstated, is good detective work. To see the Shinola from the rest. An optimist might say, "Half-way, that's great!" And it is true, because so many people don't even start. And that is half the battle. So you have fully completed half the battle. Now onto the other half, and remember you are halfway there, so it is only a matter of time or strategy.
I have to admit, I am impressed with your insight as to what you are not so good at. That requires a great level of sensory acuity. Most people don't realize that having acuity with others is far easier than with your own self. Einstein even stated it is not possible to solve the problem while remaining at the level of the problem. And you have obviously stepped out in many ways to make the kinds of observations you have made.
And it is great that you are taking responsibility to learn the kinds of things that you can use to make the changes you want. It can become annoying when people only want things done to them, rather than taking ownership and responsibility for their own well-being. So I applaud you for fully recognizing your whole potential and acting on it. You are already ahead of more than half of the population.
Now you could run an anchor chain from the point of where you stopped to the point of completion. Fill in whatever the appropriate steps in between need to be for you. Another useful approach might be to swish the half-complete image to the completed image. This really directionalizes the brain as does the anchor chain. That is why they are both so powerful. The brain moves in directions and behaviors follow in degrees. In Thai Kickboxing, one of the most powerful moves is when you have the opponent's head in your chest with your forearms around their neck and your hands cupped over the back of their head. When you have leverage over the head and the neck, wherever you move the head, the rest of the body follows. It is the same way you lead a horse into a barn. Energy flows where attention goes governed by intention.
The reason that NLP succeeded where other technologies didn't is because of this simple fact. While other therapies were trying to change behavior, NLP went for altering the direction of the mind. Behaviors followed tout de suite.
The key behind futurepacing is to futurepace past the doing all the way to the point of satisfaction of completion, and bring that feeling back with you all the way to now, and let that feeling govern the doing.
Now you may want to read the answer to your question a couple of times to make sure you get every word, hear or there. You are you know eventually going to have to get over the fact that many things are all done, half-way. And that there will always be more even then. And let this feeling of "more" lead you to richer experiences in your life, so that you can truly enjoy it. And I am sure you want to know that you can use these tools and techniques in every way possible to really do so. And you can and you will!
-Oz
The answer to "
Using NLP to Complete Tasks
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posted by Ayaz @
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Hypnosis with Focal Dystonia
Q: Oz, I am a Hypnotherapist and have a new client with focal dystonia, localized in the 3rd and 4th finger of the right hand. She is a piano teacher and previous performer. She no longer performs and has been seeking help for years with traditional/alternative treatments and approaches with no relief. Do you have any experience with dystonia and the application of hypnosis? I have several ideas and am interested in your suggestions. Thank you. --Anonymous
A: Well what you want to consider is the psychological etiology of the illness or dis-ease. And that may vary from person to person and illness to illness. Someone with focal dystonia in their hand and being a musician, I would begin to wonder how much fear is involved while performing, not consciously, but rather unconsciously.
I would first take an opportunity to see her while she is actually playing or even attempting to play and with good acuity, you should be able to see where the tension is kept. In some people it will be the back, the shoulder, the elbow, or right in the hands.
I would begin by putting her into trance and begin speaking to the part that holds the tension, and work with that part until it is ready to release. Then I would move directly to the 3rd and 4th finger and discover what lies behind that. If it is fear, work with it, and release it. If it is a sense of needing control or a rebelling against too much control, work with that until she can release it.
Then I would work at opening up the chakras in the fingers, the palm, the wrist, elbow, and shoulder of each arm. This way the body can begin to allow the energy to flow freely to all the extremities.
I would then access the pineal and release any of the decisions and beliefs that have held that illness in place. You may even want to access the basal ganglia and de-semanticize it.
Now some of this may seem odd or you may not have a model for it, but since you asked and have been to the website, you may already know I integrate lots of different models—basically whatever works!
Now this isn't the only course of action, just one I am suggesting with the limited information I have. And all of this can be done in trance and it is easier when you keep the client in mid- or upper- Alpha. This way the client can be involved with the process of releasing anything she no longer needs.
In the next few months, I'll be explaining more of the models I work with on the website to broaden the understanding of those persons interested in their personal evolution.
Thank you for your question!
-Oz
The answer to "
Hypnosis with Focal Dystonia
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posted by Ayaz @
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Living One Wonderful Life or Five Averages Lives
Q: Oz, I am overwhelmed about the knowledge that you have, and that you are kind enough to enlighten others, but let me ask you. If you could live one wonderful life or five averages lives what would you choose and why? --Anonymous
A: Hmmm... Let's consider some things here for a moment. George Bailey (Jimmy Stewart) had some hardships, yet he considered his life quite wonderful. So it is quite possible that even a wonderful life would have its ups and downs. I mean is it possible to know "wonderful" without knowing "not wonderful?"
On the other hand what defines average? And more importantly who? Since "average" and "wonderful" are both evaluations of an experience, and since they are my experience, then I have complete control and choice as to how I perceive the experience.
Something else to consider is, between each of the five lives, will I carry previous learning's or will I start from scratch? You have to be careful here. Karma could be your worst enemy or a wonderful ally. It makes you start wondering about this life, doesn't it? Am I doing it right? Am I making it wonderful? Or am I striving for average? Is Karma going to haunt me the next go round? If there is one.
I guess in the end, to honestly answer it, I really don't know if there will be four more chances. So I might as well make the most of this one. Besides, why take the chance of coming back as a cockroach. Fine, I'll survive a nuclear winter, but what about those size eleven shoes?
No thanks! I will have to go with "It's A Wonderful Life," for $1000, Alex. I have met far too many people who believe in reincarnation, and they have already given up on this round, and are waiting around for round two to get it right. But the thing is who knows how many rounds have already been played. What if this is the last one? Can you really afford to take that chance? Eventually, the game has to end. Just as everything has a beginning, there has to be an end. Even a circle had to start at some point. What if this is it and you are about to come full circle, and you no longer get to go past "GO." Hmmm...Sounds like you better make this one count.
At least that is my answer, and I am sticking to it! Thanks for the question!
-Oz
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Living One Wonderful Life or Five Averages Lives
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posted by Ayaz @
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Predicting the Future
Q: Will my boyfriend ask me to marry him in the next week? --Anonymous
A: I am sorry, I do not predict the future. But you do determine your own future. And what you put out is what you get back. So what you must begin becoming aware of is what kinds of messages you are sending out, both verbal and nonverbal.
There is work required before a marriage, and much more work after the marriage. The process of relating requires an amazing amount of skill. Skills that we all possess or can develop, quite naturally or with a little practice.
At times you must compromise, at other times negotiate, influence, persuade, listen, sympathize, empathize, share, give each other space, and I could go on and on and still only touch the tip of the iceberg.
Now with your question, either there is some doubt, or perhaps a lack of clarity of the information you already have. Perhaps if you search within, the answer is already there. Perhaps, there is some hesitation in knowing the answer. The past does not equal the future. Yet in each moment you can influence it tremendously. So now the question to you is, "Which way would you like to influence your future?"
Good luck and congratulations either way!
-Oz
The answer to "
Predicting the Future
"
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Getting Over Previous Relationships
Q: I have done everything I could do to forget about a man I once loved dearly but always seem to compare him to others and no new man ever measures up. What can I do? I want to love again and get over my past relationship. --Anonymous
A: Aha! Amour. The thing we can never describe, never put a box around, but find so eloquently explained through poetry. However, it also seems to be the cause of much of our problems. Some say it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all. While others say, "Yeah, try it and see how you feel!"
I seem to recall a movie my cousin had seen awhile back, which was a love story with some twists and turns. But there was this one part where this guy who is head over heels obsessed with this girl...the girl of his dreams, this goddess that nothing can compare to...until he comes across this one incident. I am not sure if you have had one of those kinds of experiences when...well for example, I woke up in the middle of the night, and saw this shadow on the wall. And it looked liked this huge spider crawling down the wall. Now the problem was that the light was coming from behind me, so I couldn't tell if it was on the wall or if it was its shadow and that might mean that it is right above my head.
Then all of a sudden something fell on my head and I popped out of that bed so fast, you'd think I was made of rubber. I had literally bounced so far back, I was almost no longer in the room. Standing next to the light switch, I cautiously turned it on. Sometimes a little bit of light can put things in a different perspective. And a little bit of perspective is quite useful when facing some fear, or better known as False Evidence Appearing Real. So I slowly walked over to take a look at what had just ruined my comfortable night's rest. And wouldn't you believe it. I know I couldn't. I come to find out that all it was, was this little tassel hanging off the edge of the headboard. That little thing had been the disturbance all along. But I guess sometimes just knowing that and facing it can be a load off. Now I could once again enjoy a lovely night's rest.
So how does one really experience love? It is a process. Perhaps one that surrounds us. Think about it. We always say we are in love. What about times when we are out of love? Can you order more? What about through love? Some people say they are through with love, but that is different from through love. Through love means there are at least two sides to it. I say at least two, because you may be under love, or even over love. Then there is the time of love. Or from love. That may be familiar as well. Before love. After love. Loved once. Love again.
Time is an interesting thing. Some people keep their past too close to their future, and they can't completely move into the future without bumping into the past. It is one thing to learn from your mistakes, but it becomes just cruel punishment to have to deal with it over and over again. Once you get the lesson, it is time to put the past where it belongs, that's right, behind you. So that now you can begin to see clearly this future that lies ahead, with new hope, a new sense of curiosity...hmmm! And move forward in a new way.
And so what if you end up forgetting about things that are no longer important. Can you remember to remember that, and more importantly the things that are important, so well that you can eventually forget how to do that, yet forget to forget in such a way that you only remember, just how it once again feels to meet someone new. And see, hear, feel, taste, and smell them as they are. As they truly are, and just that. No more. No less. Can you try everything to forget to remember only that, and as long as you remember that you really will be just fine.
You see when after that incident he could no longer look at her in the same way again. Something was different. Not sure just yet, quite what it was. Now he began seeing others for the first time. He knew they had been there the whole time, but somehow had managed to make them disappear. And boy was he surprised. "Wow! Look at all these girls. I can't believe I let myself miss out on all these opportunities. But that is it. No more. It is time for me to ante up and play another hand. Who knows what I'll win this time."
Now you had asked me a question of some sort, about something that may had been a problem of some sort. When you think about it now, and perhaps even chuckle, can you begin to see the humor in it? I think back to all the girls I had met before I met my wife, and I thank God that my wife doesn't have so many of those qualities I once thought were important. Did my wife change? Sure, a bit. But more importantly, I did. So something to ask yourself might be; those qualities you once thought were important, do they still hold true? Are you filtering potential suitors through old criteria? Is that fair to them? Is it fair to you? At the end of the day we create our own realities. The man you were once with, probably had many qualities, you just noticed those few. That says more about you than him. What qualities interest you in a man now? If you look for what you want, you just might find it? And on the flip side, if you look for what you don't want, you'll find that too.
So with that I bid you farewell. Happy Hunting!
-Oz
The answer to "
Getting Over Previous Relationships
"
posted by Ayaz @
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Building Rapport Elegantly
Q: I am a novice to NLP. I notice that when I am mirroring some people they seem to become uncomfortable and immediately change their position. What cause this and what should I do? --Anonymous
A: Sometimes when you begin mirroring someone, and it becomes too overt, they may begin noticing it, perhaps still not consciously, but just enough to feel a bit uncomfortable. In these instances, you may want to begin crossover mirroring--where you begin to mirror their scratching of the face with your scratching of the knee or the rhythm of their head nods or foot tapping/bouncing with your finger tapping.
The whole purpose of this is to create a harmonious rhythm. Become a people watcher...go to your local mall or restaurant and watch couples. Look at them soft-eyed, meaning out of your peripheral vision instead of your foveal vision. Notice the dance taking place. You may also see no dance taking place, where couples may be fighting. Once you get good at this, you can begin to tell, who is dating, who is engaged or newly married, and who has been together for a long time.
Also realize that you are probably in rapport with most people most of the time without even knowing it. Don't try so hard, just let it flow. One thing I always do is always assume rapport and pay attention, if there is no rapport I can always go back and establish rapport. Whereas if I initially already have it, then I saved myself some time and energy.
With all that being said, now its time to find out how you know what you know. You said "they seem to become uncomfortable and immediately change their position." Now how do you know they were uncomfortable? What sensory-based information led you to believe that? And did you test to see if your assumption was correct? If you went inside to evaluate your own behaviors and make assumptions about the other person, then you were no longer paying attention on the outside, and that too may result in a loss of rapport. Keep that in mind as you continue to practice and develop these skills even far better than you already have.
And remember to try to seriously enjoy yourself in the process and if you can't then, just have fun with it instead.
-Oz
The answer to "
Building Rapport Elegantly
"
posted by Ayaz @
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Dream Interpretation
Q: I had a dream about my ex boyfriend's dad. He had a plant shop and he took me downstairs to see it. It was beautiful, full of greenery that he created. In my dream he created different arrangements of flowers in small and medium pots but they were some of the most beautiful plants I had ever encountered and he created them. Then in the next segment of my dream my current boyfriend wanted to sleep with another woman. That's all I can remember. Can you give me an interpretation of my dream? --Patricia Marchany
A: Patricia, I appreciate you asking my interpretation about your dream, but in all honesty, that is something I just don't do. Your unconscious mind is fully active in processing information that you were presented with throughout the day. And it does this while you sleep. Your mind needs this time to chunk the information in a way that best assists you. You have to realize that there is so much information that you are receiving from all five of your senses, all the things that you didn't pay conscious attention to, your unconscious has gotten it all. And during sleep is where it makes sense of it all.
Now it doesn't necessarily have to be from that particular day, your dream may consist of information taken in from previous days along with thoughts that have been stirring inside your mind already. They may have been triggered by a phone call or someone that looks like a particular person in your dreams.
So there can be many interpretations from Freudian to Jungian, but at the end of the day, it would still be someone else telling you about your own mind. Think about it, who knows your mind better than you? If I were to give you my interpretation, then I would just be projecting my own hallucination on to what it could possibly mean for you. It's kind of like reading a horoscope, depending on where you are in your life; it will have a different meaning. Fortune cookies work the same way. That's why they are always written in a general fashion rather than specifically stating your destiny. That would be putting a limit on all that you could possibly do and become.
Why would you want me to limit all that your unconscious has to share with you, with my own interpretation? That would be doing a disservice to you.
What specific interpretation do you want someone else to agree with? If that is the case, then you already know what you want to hear, and you are only filtering for that answer. Have you considered sharing the dream with the people that are in it? What would happen then? Perhaps you already know the answer, but aren't ready to face it. Perhaps it follows the pattern of a particular movie you just saw.
Perhaps tonight you will have more parts of this dream that you remember and it will all lead to a great novel that you will write. Perhaps you will have forgotten the whole thing by morning and just go about your day in curious wonderment as to what new, fun, and exciting things will happen in your life today, can't you?
So I will leave you with that and trust that your unconscious will steer you in the right direction and guide you to and through new territories of living and being.
Good Luck!
-Oz
The answer to "
Dream Interpretation
"
posted by Ayaz @
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Working with Incongruencies Using Six-Step Reframing
Q: Regarding the Six Step Reframe model, and the collapsing of sequential incongruity into a simultaneous incongruity: Is it a good idea to stack these "parts" anchors before collapsing them together? I am wondering also about the importance of having the intensity of each of these anchors being relatively equal in strength to one another. If so, how can this be calibrated considering the relationship ambiguity? --William Kelley
A: First let me begin with a brief explanation of sequential and simultaneous incongruities for other readers. When a person either communicates or enters a state of mind and everything (verbal/nonverbal + intention) about that person says the same thing, we call that congruence. So when that doesn't occur, that simultaneous message in all representational systems (visual, auditory, kinesthetic, olfactory, and gustatory), we call that incongruence.
Now there can be simultaneous incongruence, that's when the incongruence occurs at the same time in the same person. You may more commonly know this as internal conflict. The other one is sequential incongruence, which is when a person is fully congruent at one point in time in a particular state, and then fully congruent at another point in time in a different state. Consider for example an alcoholic, who goes from the sober state to the drunk state. Neither state occurs at the same time. It remains sequential in time.
So now more specifically to your question as to collapsing the sequential incongruity into a simultaneous incongruity; and what is the best way to go about it. Let me say one thing here first. If the person is fully congruent sequentially, then you can bridge the sequences together. For example, if a person is congruent as visual blamer and then as a kinesthetic placater, then you can either bridge that using a modality which is being ignored (auditory). Another approach would be to pace the visual part and crossover to the kinesthetic and vice versa for the kinesthetic part, pace that part into the visual.
But if you want to collapse the incongruency using anchoring, then I would recommend using a physical anchor, so long as it is ecological for both of you. Because the reality is you can never tell how the person will respond to such a collapsing of states. Now it is best to stack them if it will help them access the states more fully. And just by stacking them, you will essentially be increasing the intensity. And if necessary, and if you are familiar with submodalities, you can use them to increase intensity as well. And it is a good thing to have the same level of intensity with both anchors. And if possible, intensify the more resourceful state even more than the other.
Now with a little practice, you should be able to calibrate quite easily. And once again, if you have trouble noticing the shifts, then use the submodalities to really crank up each of the states.
And with all this in mind, I would also recommend to use the Visual Squash instead of the Six Step Reframe. The main reason for this is to reduce the number of parts. The fewer the parts the better. More integration rather than less. This is something you might want to consider.
-Oz
The answer to "
Working with Incongruencies Using Six-Step Reframing
"
posted by Ayaz @
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Possible Ways to Work with Muscle Tension Dysphonia
Q: I am suffering from a disorder that has been diagnosed as "Muscle tension dysphonia." Here is a link to what the disorder is about. I have gone to so many doctors' appointment for treatment in the last three months I never could have believed it! I have been completely physically healthy for many years. I am just really searching for any and all causes and cures for this issue. I have been a self improvement person for many years. I've done all the Landmark education courses, psychological counseling on and off for years, Self help books on just about every subject. I am a self employed full time real estate investor, and no stranger to prosperity in thinking.
Anyway, I am searching for answers for this. It is getting old, and I want to get to the bottom of what the core cause is. Can you look at this and give me your input and any suggestions? --Tedi May
http://www.dystonia-foundation.org/defined/spasm.asp
A: Tedi, I looked over the website you sent me. And what it seems to me is that there is no set core cause for dysphonia. So that means everyone achieves it from a different place. Now as to how you are able to tense your own vocal chords, that I do not know. One might ask have you ever considered to just stop and not do that any longer? How do you know when to do it and when not to? Now the answer to any of these questions, you may not know consciously, but obviously there is a way...your vocal chords do it, while the vocal chords of others don't.
All muscles can contract and relax. And you have been doing that for years, each in their own way, at their own time. You have been completely physically healthy for many years, and at some point you began tensing one or a few particular muscles, in a particular way, by which you felt some discomfort. And if you having been healthy for so many years and are able to do that, I wonder what else you can do. Can you tense them at will? Can you keep that tension for five whole minutes without fail.
What other muscles can you tense up? And how do you relax those? Is it the same way in which you relax your vocal chords?
I have found that especially for physical problems (actually all problems), you as the person experiencing it, knows best. Because you at some level know how you do what you do, as well as when you do it.
Now there may be some root cause through which this all began, and most likely you do not know that consciously, otherw
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